A long and scary post

Courtesy of lynxcopiers.co.uk

Happy October! Woopie! What's so great about October, you ask? It's the 10th month of the year, which means only two more to go. It's also the scariest month of the year. Why? I don't know for sure, but any month that has a day designated for kids to wear costumes and run loose about town is a scary month indeed.

(On a side note, I only occasionally find Kid Nation scary. Overall I think it's brilliant. It's an amazing sociological study. Political philosophers could have a field day writing treatises on the show. I just wish the producers would have been more hands-off. Then again, I've only seen the first episode.)

So yes, October is a frightening month, filled with ghouls and goblins and trashy horror-movie sequels. But terror also lurks inside the hallways of the office and I will list things that are scary in my, and maybe your, workplace. Read on if you dare...

• That really tall guy who walks around - I don't know what he does, what department he's from, or just how tall he really is. But man, he's a giant! And not a lumbering, friendly giant either. He's tall and lanky and glides down hallways, his gaunt arms swinging silently like a shark moving its tail. He appears out of nowhere, around corners, and walks determinedly towards some unknown destination. Do not dare look into his eyes, for his gaze will render you motionless out of the pure terror at witnessing his size. He will then step on you.

• The coffee room/pantry - The room of mystery. Silent. Abandoned. Or is it? You never know who will be in there, and for what purpose. You might go in for a second cup and there can be no one there. You hear footsteps. Is it your co-worker who never shuts up? Is it the really tall man? What if you walk in and the room is crowded, you can't even fit in. No coffee for you! The horror!

• The space under your desk - Like the murky deep where the shark from Jaws lives, the space beneath your desk can be an ominous place. It's dark and cold. Your trash is there. For all you know a family of raccoons is hiding out there. Or a big snake. If a snake got loose in your office the first place it would go is under your desk. Think about that.

• The mail room - There might as well be a big sign that says, "Keep Out." A rabid guard dog tied to a chain stands outside the entrance. A rusted gate swings in the listless breeze, its creak splitting the air. Dust floats around you. Like the bad guys in Mad Max, this place is an abandoned junkyard inhabited by post-apocalyptic renegades, leather-clad and hungry for blood. In the mail room, you don't want to be there and they don't want you there. In reality, all of the people who work in the mail room are really nice and friendly and are hard-working. But every time you approach or leave you think you catch a glimpse of something in the corner of your eye. Was the messenger guy, his razor teeth black and glistening, sharpening his knife?

• Finally, perhaps the scariest thing in any office, the photocopier - It is a behemoth. The Leviathan. The White Whale. It will swallow you hole or chew off your leg and spit you out just for the pure fun of it. Try as you might, you cannot control it. It whizzes and whirs, flashes beams of radioactive light, and spits out reams of paper. It is a demon machine. Hopefully you've all seen Office Space, they get it right. The photocopier was sent from the bowels of hell to ruin your day. Even if everything runs fine, which is rare, you must stand there, bewitched by its awesome power, forced to do its bidding. For the couple of minutes you spend in front of the machine you are a zombie, your soul is gone. When you leave you feel a burning sensation over your heart. You look and notice that the word "Xerox" is somehow tatooed on your skin...in blood! High quality, 4000 dpi blood.

Did I miss anything? What's scary in your office? I know going to work and your boss are scary enough, but anything else? Let me know.

And huge shout outs to the other people who left comments! You're great and thanks so much for reading!