The 10th Post, Part I

Courtesy of kidsread.net. Reading is fun!


Wow. Look around, everyone. Do you know what you're seeing? You are witnessing the first and last 10th post on this blog. It's been an incredible journey, one which we would no doubt like to erase from our memories. So many polls, so many links, so many innane ramblings of a sleep-deprived post-grad trying to make sense of the corporate grind.

So what to do for this momentous occasion? How about a list? Everyone likes lists, right? Well I do, so that's what you're getting.

It has been just over three months since I started working (another milestone, perhaps, but not as great an achievement as 10 posts) so I thought I would list ten things I've learned about working...thus far. And no, this list is in no particular order. Or is it?*

10. A cubicle is not a mini-office: Just because your cube is semi-enclosed does not mean you have privacy. You cannot nap, dance, exercise, or cry tears of rage and frustration without being noticed.

9. Elevators are fun: Zoom! Whoosh! Yippee! I am lucky enough to work in a building with fast, modern elevators. Sure, there are some elevators out there that are faster, but the ones I ride do a decent job of making me feel like I'm training for a NASA mission - if only for a second. The downsides: Stairs would be healthier and elevators make you get to work quicker.

8. Radiation does not give you superpowers: Even though my generation has spent enough time in front of the TV and especially the computer, I thought that maybe sitting in front of a monitor for seven hours a day might alter my DNA and give me special abilities. This has not happened. Yet.

7. Getting paid is great: Just when you get to the breaking point - the time when you say enough is enough, you throw off your tie, and prepare to march into your boss's office and do a jig on his or her desk announcing you quit - you get paid. Holy of holies! Miracle of miracles! People are giving you money to do mindless tasks that give you no spiritual fulfillment. Yes, the taxes smart like iodine on an open wound, but hey, you're still making money. You're in the black. You almost have enough to eat a meal a day, but you decide to buy that Panda robot you saw in a Sharper Image catalog. Life is good.

6. Sitting all day is not as relaxing as it sounds: Not surprisingly, sitting on your duff for hours on end puts you on the road to more sitting. Sitting makes you fat --> when you're fat you don't want to move --> you don't move when you sit --> repeat. It's not a good cycle, and what makes it worse is that you're never really relaxing. Yes, it beats standing all day, but moving every now and then is highly recommended.

Do you like cliffhangers? I have a love/hate relationship with them. But anyway, I'll save numbers 5-1 for the next post. Why? The answer to that will be included in next week's list. See you then.


And here's some shout outs to the people that vote on my polls and write me comments. If it wasn't for you I'd probably take up Sudoku or something. Thanks.

*It isn't.

Links!

No, this post has nothing to do with sausage or chains, or the enduring hero of the Nintendo video game franchise. I've assembled all of three (3!) links that I thought some of you out there might enjoy. Why, pray tell? Because I can't really think of anything inspired to write. I could gripe about current affairs or the weather - two topics which are always good fodder for some rantin' - but I choose to give you these links. The first two are appropriate for this blog, seeing as they deal with work. The third one, well, it's just silly.


I love The Onion. No, not the erstwhile vegetable that makes you cry but the fake newspaper. The Onion is a brilliant satire that pokes fun at just about everything. You can usually pick up a free copy on the street of your local metropolis, or you can view the articles online at http://www.theonion.com/. I've tried about seven false starts at a sentence describing what it is The Onion does and how they do it so brilliantly. But it's early. Too early. And my brain takes about nine hours to wake up. So instead, I'll let the article speak for itself:


http://www.theonion.com/content/news/it_only_tuesday


Yes, there is a typo in the title. The article is not written by a Cro-Mangnon man (although that would not be unusual for The Onion). But isn't this true? Don't we always forget what day it is? for me, I always get Wednesday and Thursday mixed up, but in a good way. I usually think Thursday is Wednesday, and when I finally realize that Thursday is actually Thursday, I exalt in jubilation (redundant?) that the next day is Friday! And what's Wednesday then? It's some mysterious nebula, a mist that I aimlessly float in trying to figure out if I am alive or dead. It's also hump day.


Remember, it's early.


The Onion also has some neat graphs, lists, or charts. Because words are tiring. Pictures are much better! Here's a funny Stat-shot:


http://www.theonion.com/content/statshot/top_reasons_for_employee

The second one is very true for me. Although (knock on wood) I haven't missed a day of work yet! There's a post in there, about sick, vacation, and personal days, which hopefuly I'll get to eventually.

Finally, I came across this article from the New York Times yesterday. It has nothing to do with work, but boy did I get a chuckle out of it. Now, some of you may claim that I am being intolerant of another race and culture, dismissing their seeming eccentricities as just that - a quirky, odd, and laughable characteristic that should not be taken seriously. Well, yes, I kind of am. I mean, c'mon. Look at the pictures. I do really respect the Japanese, though. And I would love to visit their wonderful island nation. Read the article to find out what I'm talking about.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/world/asia/20japan.html?ex=1350619200&en=052c0d849fa3663c&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

I would love to see someone go up to the vending-machine-person and try to buy a drink.

Well, this has been a very, very long post (if you count all of the reading that I tried to make you do). So I'll end it here. Until next time.

An Interview With My Brother

Over the weekend I interviewed my brother (see the link to his blog on the side of the page - we're actually both posting this interview) to see what I could learn about his job. Read on to see what are the differences and similarities of our jobs, why Ohio is unique, and how driving can take its toll. That would be a pun if I asked about tolls.

Daniel: So, let's talk about your job

AJ: Sounds good

Daniel: First off, let's get the record straight ... do you have a job?

AJ: I don't think I made that clear when I started this blog. I do have a job, though. I guess it's full time because I'm, you know, always busy, but it ends in March.

Daniel: A job is still a job

AJ: Well, according to your blog, a job can be a bit boring at times. I think mine is awesome.

Daniel: What's the most awesome thing about your job and why?

AJ: Meeting so many different people; students, Jesuit priests, Jesuit Volunteers, people working for the colleges. They're full of great experience and are doing interesting things.

Daniel: I've heard some people ask this, so I'll relay it: are you going to be a priest?

AJ: No.

Daniel: Are priests going to be you?

AJ: I guess if they complete the application process and training... just kidding. They need to pass the obstacle course.

Daniel: Let's talk about your office.

AJ: Sure. I'm actually there right now, alone, on a beautiful Saturday.

Daniel: So you're typing from your car?

AJ: Almost. I'm back in Baltimore for the first time in a month, so I have the luxery of being in the second floor of my office building.

Daniel: But you're not parked on the second floor?

AJ: The stairwell is pretty big, I think my Corola can fit up the stairs. But I didn't try today.

Daniel: You drive a lot for this job, often for long stretches of time. Does that get lonely?

AJ: Not really, actually. My job consists of always meeting new people, giving presentations, sitting down and having one-on-ones. It's great and gives me so much energy, but since I have to be "on" all the time, it is nice to just be by myself and listen to music. It's my time to not have to talk.

Daniel: Do you have CD's or listen to the radio, or sing your own songs?

AJ: I mostly listen to the "scan" button.

Daniel: How about pit stops? You must have seen some interesting things.

AJ: The trucker stop in the middle of PA was interesting. Big fat men in overalls playing hunting arcade games. The scenery of upstate NY is also really beautiful.

Daniel: Any quaint bits of americana? Or any world's largest ball of lint?I suppose truckers in overalls is quaint, but more like that?

AJ: Not yet. The East Coast is pretty chill.

Daniel: When you reach 88 mph while driving do you travel through time?

AJ: Oh yeah, I thought that happened to me every time I reached 88. I would travel back a few decades, even one century in an instant. But then I realized that I was just in Ohio.

Daniel: What's the most frightening thing that's happened on one of your trips?

AJ: I once ate an entire bag of those pretzel nacho Combos and felt fine afterwards.

Daniel: How are you able to stay over at some colleges without having to do frat initiations?

AJ: I let them know ahead of time that I was applying to sororities only. I had to be very strict about that.

Daniel: What do you think of the new fall TV lineup?

AJ: Let's be honest (LBH), since I'm always on the road, I have no idea what's happening on TV. I don't even know the sports schedule. It's exactly the same situation I was in when I was over in Micronesia. That's sad, if I think about it.

Daniel: Well, you're not missing much ... except for Kid Nation.

AJ: Is that show any good? A real life Lord of the Flies?

Daniel: Well no. Not enough. Still, sweeps will come eventually.

AJ: I see ... no, actually, I don't see.

Daniel: You're travelling from Maine to Florida, is that correct?

AJ: Not directly, but my area is essentially between those two states.

Daniel: Have you considered being like Forrest Gump and operating a shrimping boat instead?

AJ: Only when I was driving through Alabama.

Daniel: Do you adopt the local accent and/or dialect wherever you go?

AJ: All the time. It helps with recruiting.

Daniel: Can you give an example?

AJ: "Hi, how are you today?"... hear that? Perfect Arabic accent.

Daniel: Does giving your presentation ever become tedious? Repetitive? Monotonous? Repetitive? Monotonous? because you've done it so many times? Does it ever become repetitive?

AJ: Not really, because I feel like I get better and better each time, more relaxed and confident. I do have this one joke I use in the beginning, and it's weird trying to pretend I just came up with it on the spot every time.

Daniel: Well, it looks like we're running out of time.

AJ: But we have all day.

Daniel: This is making me hungry.

AJ: Which part of my answers is making you hungry?

Daniel: Me talking makes me hungry.

AJ: Understandable.

Daniel: Ok, last question: would you rather drive your current car and have gas paid for you, or would you rather drive the Batmobile but pay for your own gas?

AJ: I think I'd rather fly a helicopter and pay for my own Navy SEALS.

Daniel: Interesting. That's another way to see the world, I suppose... other than joining JVI.

AJ: No. JVI is the only way.

Daniel: Sounds good

Columbus Day

Courtesy of geocities.com. He looks angry.

Columbus Day, or, as my mom likes to call it "Day of the Indigenous Peoples," is the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus sailing the ocean blue back in 1492, only to mistakenly crash onto already-inhabited lands and become the first person to wear the Century 21 Gold Blazer and win the Cadillac (the British colonists came second - they only got the set of steak knives).

While Columbus and his Day may be surrounded by controversy (What about the Indians/Native Americans/American Indians? What about the Vikings up north? Didn't he first land in the Caribbean?), we celebrate his accomplishment because we honor man's intrepid spirit to face the unknown and explore beyond our horizons for science, understanding, and new, exciting spices. If it weren't for Columbus, the New World might not have been discovered until much, much later. Like two years later! So every year we take pause and reflect on one of humanity's greatest accomplishments - the day the world became a little bit smaller but still managed to grow in our imagination. To facilitate these ponderous moments, schoolchildren across the land have a day off.

And I don't.

Yes, I'm complaining! Of course I am. What else do I do? Is school so taxing on the wee ones that they need another three-day weekend? They just had Labor Day, and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Ok, ok. It's the only day in October they get off. Right? Fine - give the kiddies a break.

Can...can I have the day off, too? I don't see why not? Will industry collapse, will the foundations of American capitalism be shaken to its core if we have one more day to gripe about tomorrow? Perhaps the powers that be think that if we get this day we'll be asking for more. What's next, they ask? Arbor Day? Birthdays? The anniversaries of very special moments from Friends?

(I apologize for the Friends joke. That was lazy writing, and I'm too lazy to change it.)

One day off a month helps boost morale, keeps us fresh and energized. We also have something to look forward to. Perhaps some of us have vacation and/or personal days, but some of us want to save those for when we really need them. Like for dentist appointments or adding that extra day to your vacation. Having a three-day weekend will make workers more relaxed and upbeat. We also hate Mondays. There's just a stigma attached to it. Even if we started on Tuesday and worked on Saturday we would be much happier. Again, Office Space gets it right. So why not give us one day off, on a Monday, so we can toil away at Excel with just a tad less contempt?

A long and scary post

Courtesy of lynxcopiers.co.uk

Happy October! Woopie! What's so great about October, you ask? It's the 10th month of the year, which means only two more to go. It's also the scariest month of the year. Why? I don't know for sure, but any month that has a day designated for kids to wear costumes and run loose about town is a scary month indeed.

(On a side note, I only occasionally find Kid Nation scary. Overall I think it's brilliant. It's an amazing sociological study. Political philosophers could have a field day writing treatises on the show. I just wish the producers would have been more hands-off. Then again, I've only seen the first episode.)

So yes, October is a frightening month, filled with ghouls and goblins and trashy horror-movie sequels. But terror also lurks inside the hallways of the office and I will list things that are scary in my, and maybe your, workplace. Read on if you dare...

• That really tall guy who walks around - I don't know what he does, what department he's from, or just how tall he really is. But man, he's a giant! And not a lumbering, friendly giant either. He's tall and lanky and glides down hallways, his gaunt arms swinging silently like a shark moving its tail. He appears out of nowhere, around corners, and walks determinedly towards some unknown destination. Do not dare look into his eyes, for his gaze will render you motionless out of the pure terror at witnessing his size. He will then step on you.

• The coffee room/pantry - The room of mystery. Silent. Abandoned. Or is it? You never know who will be in there, and for what purpose. You might go in for a second cup and there can be no one there. You hear footsteps. Is it your co-worker who never shuts up? Is it the really tall man? What if you walk in and the room is crowded, you can't even fit in. No coffee for you! The horror!

• The space under your desk - Like the murky deep where the shark from Jaws lives, the space beneath your desk can be an ominous place. It's dark and cold. Your trash is there. For all you know a family of raccoons is hiding out there. Or a big snake. If a snake got loose in your office the first place it would go is under your desk. Think about that.

• The mail room - There might as well be a big sign that says, "Keep Out." A rabid guard dog tied to a chain stands outside the entrance. A rusted gate swings in the listless breeze, its creak splitting the air. Dust floats around you. Like the bad guys in Mad Max, this place is an abandoned junkyard inhabited by post-apocalyptic renegades, leather-clad and hungry for blood. In the mail room, you don't want to be there and they don't want you there. In reality, all of the people who work in the mail room are really nice and friendly and are hard-working. But every time you approach or leave you think you catch a glimpse of something in the corner of your eye. Was the messenger guy, his razor teeth black and glistening, sharpening his knife?

• Finally, perhaps the scariest thing in any office, the photocopier - It is a behemoth. The Leviathan. The White Whale. It will swallow you hole or chew off your leg and spit you out just for the pure fun of it. Try as you might, you cannot control it. It whizzes and whirs, flashes beams of radioactive light, and spits out reams of paper. It is a demon machine. Hopefully you've all seen Office Space, they get it right. The photocopier was sent from the bowels of hell to ruin your day. Even if everything runs fine, which is rare, you must stand there, bewitched by its awesome power, forced to do its bidding. For the couple of minutes you spend in front of the machine you are a zombie, your soul is gone. When you leave you feel a burning sensation over your heart. You look and notice that the word "Xerox" is somehow tatooed on your skin...in blood! High quality, 4000 dpi blood.

Did I miss anything? What's scary in your office? I know going to work and your boss are scary enough, but anything else? Let me know.

And huge shout outs to the other people who left comments! You're great and thanks so much for reading!